Monday, November 9, 2009
Good Enough ????
For many, many years I was so insecure, hiding behind a somewhat outgoing personality that made people think I had so much confidence and had it all together. My growing up years were difficult at home and that equated into more and more insecurity. I looked for it in so many different places, but even then the Lord that I only barely knew was protecting me. I had walked down an aisle. Was baptized twice as a matter of fact. I knew who He was and I loved Him. I wanted to please Him, to adhere to the lists of what you do and what you don't do, to be a "good" Chrsitian, but I didn't REALLY understand who He was. I didn't understand relationship with Him. I didn't understand how He feels about me. I tried to earn His love. I needed it so. I would try so hard, then mess it all up. I jumped back on the wagon many times, but no matter what I did, it wasn't good enough, it wasn't permanent enough, I wasn't perfect enough, in my eyes I was nothing but a failure and disappointment to Him. The thing is though, that those feelings are accurate. I am not good enough, I am not perfect enough, I do make mistakes, but He loves me. He loves me when I'm grouchy, when I mess up with my kids, when I snap at my husband, when I get started with my day and miss getting in the Word.....You get the picture. He knew before I was ever born, before He walked the road and died on the cross that I was going to make all the mistakes I have made........and He died for me anyway. That one realization was so profound for me. Nothing I have ever done took Him by surprise. The problem is not the thoughts, not the feelings of inadequacy, the problem is the focus. My flesh (I'm sure with the help of the enemy) focused all of those thoughts on me, on what I should do to be adequate, good enough, etc., but the point is to focus those thoughts on Him. I am inadequate, but He loves me, I am not good enough, but He died for me, I am not perfect, but He thinks of me. Even I, wretch that I am, am loved, thought of, danced over by a faithful loving Father.......and so are you!