Friday, February 19, 2010

Being Painfully Real

One thing that I never want to do on my blog (or in life for that matter) is to appear fake. Make it look like everything is coming up daisies all day everyday. We all struggle and I went through a lot of years feeling like the only one that was, because no one around me was being real. They all looked perfect. Well, I am soooo far from perfect. The reality is that I have a blessed life. I have an amazing husband, wonderful children, great church, awesome friends, etc. But my husband and I disagree, my children need discipline, etc. This life is just not perfect. I say all that so that none of you will think that I'm depressed or something when my posts aren't all cheerful. They're just honest.

Today, I'm struggling. I'm sick of being fat. I cannot think about the way that I look or the way that I physically feel without tearing up. I hate to have my picture made. I look around a room to see if I'm the biggest woman there. I constantly pull at my shirts to make sure they're not hugging the fat. I look in the mirror and am mortified. What I see does not line up with how I feel like I look. I cannot believe that I am as big as I am. It's hard and it hurts. So here's my biggest frustration.......If it bothers me SO much, why can I not get motivated enough to actually do something about it?!?!?!?!


cahanbury said...

I am SO where you are! I used to go to the gym and I seem to have quit. Even though it made me feel good. On some level, I think I'm not allowed to feel good. I must be sacrificing something at home, then. It's not really logical, it's just what happens in my head. I have to stand in front of my MOPS group every 2 weeks and 40 sets of eyes watch me and all I can wonder is if they are thinking, "man, look how fat she's gotten." I don't REALLY think they think that (it's not like I'm the center of the universe), but it a hangover feeling from school or something. I don't know. All I can say is start where you are. I *know* that you know that your worth is NOT from what you do or how you look. You know that God loves you just where you are. Pray to him to help you make changes, if that is what you are being led to do. Pray to him that he will hold you up during this struggle.


squeeli2 said...

Thanks, my friend.